
I'm a big girl. I've written about this countless times. I own my size. I'm not happy with what it implies about my general health, but pretending I am not a large woman would be silly. I know, and have written before, that this makes many people uncomfortable. They feel it's impolite to agree with me or that by acknowledging my size they are somehow insulting me.
I think the problem is this really isn't about size. At least not now, not at my age and general physical condition. Size is merely one indicator of some (but not all) of my health issues as I age. One could argue that my weight and diet and lack of consistent exercise is at fault for many conditions although one could also argue that some of my health issues led to a reduced ability to exercise and hence an increase in weight. It honestly doesn't matter. Today, the facts are simple, my increased weight makes it hard to meet the goals I wish and truly need to reach for better health and general well-being.
I have friends, relatives and acquaintances who have done amazing things when faced with similar issues. Some chose to use a combination of diet and exercise with surgery, some made changes in their physical activity levels or their diets or both. Some folks have lasting improvement, others, as I have, find themselves on a roller coaster. Nothing is new or different here. My situation is mirrored across the country and most of us struggle with balancing everything in our lives, including the need to regain some additional control over our bodies.
I just want to be able to live a little longer, enjoy the activities I love without drama (hiking in the woods or on the beach, kayaking, biking on rail trails, gardening etc.). I don't want household tasks to exhaust me, nor do I want to easily be injured by relatively mundane tasks and activities.
A few years ago I got to that place with some big changes and then let life kind of get in the way and over time much of what I gained I lost again. Yeah. I've written about this often. The problem is that instead of focusing on what I can do now, doing a little more, making small incremental changes-yes, those baby steps one always hears about-I jump in and try to make it all happen fast and I either run out of steam or get hurt.
Going forward, my goals are simple:
Diet: I'm just going to do my best to follow Michael Pollan's advice: "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants." It really makes the most sense and is inclusive and non shaming. It's a philosophy that is sustainable from a personal perspective as well as an environmental one. By filling a bowl with mixed greens, raw veggies and half a serving of protein and carb I can eat food I enjoy but in proportions that promote health.
Exercise: I should probably call this "activity" and make it sound less like drudgery. The sad fact is I hate formal exercise. I love walking in nature. I love kayaking (in season!). I love, when healthy enough to do it, biking on rail trails. I don't like gyms and formal exercise regimes-they typically bore me and I can't read or otherwise occupy my mind during them. I can tolerate water exercise and right now that is the healthiest and safest activity for me. My goal then is to start doing that at least 2X a week, along with some time exercising in the home (I have a recumbent exercise bike, Wii Fit etc.) and walks as the weather permits.
Health: I plan to partner with my doctors more over the year and be honest about my goals and really listen to their suggestions and make a plan we all can agree on.
Mental Health: This is probably the hardest thing to do, but I need to stop judging myself as harshly as I imagine the rest of the planet is judging me. I also need to accept that the small changes are beneficial even if they are not easily detected by obsessive weigh-ins or measuring.

It's not all melancholy gloom over my physical challenges here at Random Central. I feel pretty blessed to be able to work through this stuff and plan for improvement with relative simplicity. I've been reading absolutely stunning books, both fiction and non-fiction lately (Beyond the Beautiful Forevers:Life,Death and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity being the best. It is heartbreaking and lovely and mesmerizing and brings alive a world we don't think about but which exists for countless numbers of people on our planet. Reading it is not as sad as one might think, although of course the realities of such poverty are never easy to hear about, still Katherine Boo manages to find so many moments of grace and beauty that you can't stop reading.) and even finishing a lot of previously unfinished knitting projects. My daughter has turned 17, my son is healthier and back in school and John and I still haven't found a pocket of time to get away for a day or three, but we have been able to go out in the evening once in awhile. I've returned to work after a leave of absence to care for my youngest.

I remain grateful for the grace that grants me an indulgent family, time to heal, time for endless games of Dominion with my family, cutthroat games of Risk:Legacy, gardening, talks with the Em and Noah, walks in the woods and more. I have a pretty lovely life, even if I do get a little stressed about some of it's challenges.
In the past month we've been to a lot of museums, taken many walks and long drives. I'll end with a few pictures and my love.





